In a Riot of Color.

There is something peculiar about this Autumn, that differs so greatly from the last few years of my life. There is a bone-deep appreciation. There is a new gratitude in my blood. There is a level of ease, a level of curiosity, a level of hope, that I am not familiar with. What a goddamn delight, to see the world anew, day after day after day.

& there is a measured pace about the world that I haven’t noticed in this season in years. The leaves take each minute of each day to turn themselves into a riot of color, inch by inch. My morning commute through the hills & valleys of Western New York feels like a practice in magnification, like every single detail of the world is readily available for my perception. I stop my car along the side of the road time after time to marvel at the sun rising in the sky, to bathe in the color of the trees beside the road as the sunshine bursts through them. An age old practice of mine–the art of details–given a whole new shine in this season of descent.

Perhaps this is the world after the summer of slowness. A whole season of so many celestial bodies moving backwards in the sky, asking us to strip down to the painful honesty of a true reality. So much fell away from me this summer. So many waylaid plans and broken connections. The tower beneath my feet rumbled and the lightning struck and the whole mess of it all came tumbling down. There are connections that I thought would be lifelong that snapped like a fragile stem this summer. And there are connections that I thought were withered that are putting down new roots and producing new flowers.

That age old story where the universe takes away
what you thought you wanted and
gives you what you actually need.

I spent a large part of the last 3 years of my life dumping my precious energy into the void, without being fed in return. I kept bottoming out. I kept finding new levels of emotional rock bottom. And I kept telling myself this is what it takes–you have to give to get. I kept plucking my own petals to beautify someone else’s rooms. I had to learn. I had to learn. I had to learn.

This summer, with my grief and the land, was a solid lesson in looking for reciprocity. The simple and exquisite lesson shown in the garden that grows and gives back to me with color and beauty and taste, because of the love and work and hope I poured into it. Thank the fucking stars for the land. For holding me when I am confused and scared and low. For showing me that my energy and effort will be returned to me in the right circumstances, and if that circle isn’t being completed–then those circumstances need to be changed or left. And for showing me over and over again that my mistakes still teach me beautiful lessons and can still yield unexpected but wonderful results.

And all of this culminates here–in this place in space//time. This is the first Autumn in many years that I have met with joy & wonder, and that is such a wonderful thing. I feel like I am overflowing with gratitude to greet the sun each morning, to walk the map of the day ahead of me with absolute delight. It is a true pleasure to meet this season of reflection with my head held high & to open the door to somewhere new.

I love y’all.